Victory~~ At a Price: (note typed a week BEFORE surgery)



Today marks 18 weeks POST OP (Just about 4 months&1 week )!!

Just got my computer back up and running and found a piece of my journey I had typed a WEEK BEFORE surgery:  

I’ve been mocked, ridiculed, told I was crazy and all though those things have hurt; I’ve never let them keep me down.  After all these years, I finally have an answer.  It feels so wonderful, but at the same time causes shock to my core.  Right now I’m dealing with grieving what I’ve lost.  I went over 15 years without a diagnosis.  I’ve heard a lot of things a patient should never hear.   I heard I was nuts-- that I should just relax—nothing’s wrong with me, they can’t find ANYTHING. I have had great support from some family and friends, but have also lost many along the way.
  I’ve always fought to be “ME”.  My life is so much different from the way I planned it to be.  I had so many dreams and ambitions.  As much as Cushing's has taken from me I’ve learned to value and appreciate every blessing in my life, because without those blessings my road could have been a lot harder.
  Hearing all the apologies from Doctors the past week has been a very emotional time for me…Its incredible to hear 3-4 Doctors say how sorry they are that my health is such a mess and that no one took the time to get to the bottom of it—Who paid for that?
My LIFE is completely different because no one took the time.  I’m grateful they are now, but I’m also grieving…grieving all I lost, because with this Validation & Victory comes the realization that I wasn’t crazy all those years, that what I’ve felt and still feel  IS  very real.  I knew that but when doubted time and time again your internal dialogue can go so many places…”Oh, Buck up Meagan…just do it. You’ll make it through…Maybe if you just PUSHED passed it…you’d be better…”  And when I did that?  I felt even worse.  When I PUSHED thru certain things I would “crash”.   I just want to embrace myself and say: Meagan you did it. The years you pushed thru, the things you did even when you didn’t feel like it, it was worth it.  It was all worth it.  My journey is far from over, but my journey is changing…its not spending a lot of energy and time SEARCHING for the reason anymore…my journey gets to begin one of healing, and even if,  even IF-- it takes more than one surgery...I have the medical support from doctors and the medical evidence now.  I’ll never let someone put me on the back burner again!

 All along I knew something was wrong, all along I KNEW it.  So, as my birthday approaches on December 3rd…the GREATEST gift I could ever imagine is coming just 8 short days later…: The Gift of Healing.  It may take a while to un-do the damage Cushing's has done to my body all these years…but I’m worth it.

                                “When the world says give up, Hope whispers…Try it one more time.”
                                                 Never giving up~ Meagan

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